Three men wait in the shadows. Their forms are broken parodies, twisted and misshapen by years of message boards and Cheetos.
HUGO
Splitting the story into multiple parts just seems pointless, it’ll destroy the pacing. I say losing the tickets wasn’t a loss. We’ll call it a boycott!
GABE
(Panicked)
How did this happen? I need those tickets. Need. This is the community event of the year. If I don’t blog about it, who will?
DOMINIC
(Stern)
You, sit down. You, shut up. I have a plan.
GABE
This is the end. Everyone will know I’m a fraud. I don’t even deserve this hand-made Tom Bombadil costume.
DOMINIC
Just calm down. Fine, we forgot to order our own tickets. But we can get someone else’s. The lobby of this theater is complete chaos, and I know a handful of idiots who are already headed here.
HUGO
Why should I help you jump someone?
DOMINIC
There are two girls.
HUGO
Let’s go.
Alan, Byron, Cammy, and Elena ride towards the cinema. Their steed is Swifthoof: an aging Civic borrowed from Byron’s mother.
ELENA
This is kidnapping. Or something.
CAMMY
We could all use a good kidnapping every now and then. I remember there was a time when you said you would love to be kidnapped, if an adventure was on the other end of the journey. What happened to you, Elena of the Elliots?
ELENA
I don’t think I ever said that.
ALAN
I don’t think anyone’s ever said that.
BYRON
Oh no, she’s still talking like Gandalf? She fell on some black ice earlier today. I think she has a minor head wound.
CAMMY
Head wound, little Byron? A head wound is just the first step towards opening your mind. You can spend your whole life looking to the shadows, fearing head wounds. But you will miss your own greatest moments.
ALAN
Oh god. This is fucking hilarious.
ELENA
Why do you even want to see this stupid movie?
ALAN
I want to find this mysterious stopping point a third of the way through The Hobbit that Peter Jackson’s discovered.
BYRON
I looks boss. That, and I need an excuse to ignore my term paper.
CAMMY
Because it’s there. I once heard of a-
ELENA
(Talking over Cammy)
I read somewhere that it’s shot at the same framerate as a TV show. Therefore, it must suck. QED and the like. Let’s go back
BYRON
I don’t see how that’s important.
ALAN
That’s because it’s not. It’s the kind of empty griping put forward by people too stupid to even qualify as pretentious.
BYRON
I hate to interrupt the negativity contest, but we’re here.
CAMMY
Tread carefully my friends, a great darkness stalks this land.
ALAN
(Panicked)
Is it a girl with a straight razor? I have a restraining order!
ELENA
What?
ALAN
I’ve had a weird week.
ELENA
Three people just tossed me into a van against my will to watch what essentially amounts to a children’s movie.
ALAN
I accidentally got into a blood feud by hitting a Transylvanian brunette with a balled up fast food wrapper.
BYRON
I’m doing fine.
CAMMY
(Ominous)
The darkness I speak of has no one face. It is a million faces, complaining and griping as one. It is the fanboy horde, with beards as tall as mountains and a stench that kills mountain trolls.
BYRON
We should seriously get her some help. This thing is over two hours long, and whatever’s wrong with her could be permanent by then.
ALAN
Normally, I’d agree with you. But I paid out the nose preordering these IMAX tickets, so we’re headed in.
The four step into the William Matarle Memorial Theater, built by the stone masons of Spire City four ages ago. No man knows who their order served or what their goals were, but their work stands above the neighborhood like a trident plunged into the Earth.
BYRON
This new theater’s pretty nice.
Dominic, Gabe, and Hugo peer at the party from the safe cover of a soda machine.
DOMINIC
Alright guys, this is it. Our prey has arrived.
GABE
Is that your sister?
HUGO
And didn’t you date that other girl? Is this a personal thing?
DOMINIC
It’s a shut-the-hell-up-and-do-what-I-say thing. Are you in, or are you going to miss the premiere?
GABE
Death first.
DOMINIC
Good. We’ll strike from behind when they pass the machine. They’ll never see us coming.
Byron finishes dumping a year’s supply of carcinogenic butter onto his popcorn. He glances around with his eagle’s eye, peering past falsehood, illusion, and shoulder-height soda machines.
BYRON
Hey, there’s Dominic. We should say hi.
ELENA
I’m trying to ignore him. He depresses me.
ALAN
We can agree on that. Though making fun of him and his monkeys tends to be good sport.
DOMINIC
Now!
Hugo strikes Byron with the foam blade DourFang. The sword bounces harmlessly off of his arm.
HUGO
You…are very large.
BYRON
Yeah.
HUGO
And you look angry.
BYRON
More annoyed, really.
Hugo makes a tactical retreat.
DOMINIC
Coward!
GABE
I’m still here! We can do this!
ALAN
Why are you dressed like Santa’s vegan brother?
GABE
That hurts.
ALAN
So does failure. You should have a high tolerance right now.
Gabe starts tearing up.
ALAN
(Incredulous)
Are you crying now? Is this happening? Is this real? Is that a fake battleaxe? Are you twelve or challenged?
GABE
It’s a boffer recreation!
ALAN
I didn’t hear a no.
Gabe flees into the men’s room. Sobbing can be heard through the closed door.
DOMINIC
I bet you all think you’re pretty fucking clever right now.
ELENA
…What the fuck is happening?!
CAMMY
Go home, brother. The day is not yours.
ELENA
Seriously. This isn’t normal.
DOMINIC
I’ll be back. Especially for you, madame.
ELENA
This is a fucking circus.
DOMINIC
You will be mine yet.
ELENA
SECURITY!
Dominic sprints towards the window. The glass fails to shatter as he attempts to dive through, resulting in a loud thud and a concussion. He groans in pain as the theater staff drags him out by his ankles.
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