You’re a professional movie critic. You draw the short straw and spend Friday night watching Tyler Perry’s latest failure. As Madea shimmies to Gucci Gang one year too late, you […]
Tag: satire
I’m on McSweeney’s
After a few dozen attempts, I have a piece up on McSweeney’s. Have a look.
Why Do Journalists Keep Jumping onto My Trench Knife?
It seemed like a coincidence at first. I’d just finished cleaning my favorite carbon steel trench knife on the walk home from work. The job’s stressful, and cleaning my knives […]
Please Install Our App
We’re glad you’re enjoying our website. We worked pretty hard on it. You know what we worked harder on? The app. Please install it. It has all of the site’s […]
My Dungeons and Dragons Character Class Exonerates Me
I stand accused of burning down the 23rd St. Shake Shack on August 23, 2013. I do not dispute that the arson occurred. The ashen husk of the burger franchise […]
The Perfect Birthday Gift.
Another birthday. I could tell you about all my personal growth, if I was a liar. I hold myself to a higher standard. Over the last year, I have learned […]
Thank You for Eating Tide Pods
I didn’t enjoy December. After my relationship and place of work ceased to exist, my mother followed suit. Three days before Christmas. As you can imagine, I’ve been in a […]
Steve Bannon’s Murder Shed
We pride ourselves on our journalistic rigor. Most of our content’s made up, but we stringently follow the Associated Press style guide. It’s a competitive time for reporters. Anyone within […]
Hollywood Speaks Out Against Imperiex the Destroyer, Slayer of Apes
You’re a beautiful audience. Not as beautiful as me, or even my stunt double, but beautiful nonetheless. In a difficult time, beauty matters. I’d love to focus on my success: […]
Sheepdog Journal — Director’s Cut
I retooled my Twitter tale a bit. Enjoy the fancy new transitions. Day three in the field, and I’m still pumped. I’ve got my own set of armor and everything. […]