The ongoing adventures of the last three twenty-year-olds on Earth paying for movies.
Judge Alan: Hard to evade, easy to bribe.
Judge Byron: Skimmed the books of law.
Judge Cammy: Thrown out of the judge program for possession.
Others rotate in and out.
Our heroes are gathered in Byron’s apartment. Byron stares at the remote with intense focus. Alan absent-mindedly monopolizes the popcorn, while Cammy holds a headstand.
ALAN
Could we start the flick already? Dredd’s DVD menu is starting to lose its novelty, and it looks like the blood’s going to Cammy’s head.
BYRON
I want to see him shoot people too, but there are a lot of buttons here.
CAMMY
I’m more interested in the lack of furniture. You have a three-thousand dollar entertainment system and no couch.
ALAN
Here’s a question-
BYRON
Why do you two always have these fake question-answer prompts? You can just go into one of your speeches. I don’t mind.
ALAN
I have to do it, it’s a law. It exists for a reason. On that note, what do you think of when I say Judge Dredd?
BYRON
The shit-kicker of the future?
CAMMY
Fascist porn?
ALAN
Congratulations! You’re both fucking wrong.
CAMMY
How can I be wrong about the first thing I think of?
BYRON
Just start the speech.
ALAN
You’re both wrong because you take Judge Dredd’s perspective at face value. Aside from a few wingers, most Judge Dredd writers have an at least partially satirical slant on his headshots-for-jaywalking attitude. Which isn’t even an accurate way of putting it. It’s more like twenty years for jaywalking. When the stories are sympathetic to him, his attitude is a reaction to an even more extreme breakdown of the society around him. Between an iron fist and the anarchy around him-
BYRON
I’ve got this one, it’s like high school history! The answer is somewhere in the middle!
CAMMY
(Incredulous)
If it’s not winger porn, then why did he once fight a hippie cult that worshipped evil plants over people?
BYRON
You’ve read the comics?
CAMMY
I read whatever’s necessary to defuse Alan ahead of time.
BYRON
Why would you bother to do that?
CAMMY
Why don’t you?
Alan flicks a piece of popcorn at Cammy’s face. She swats it aside, throwing off her balance and sending her tumbling backwards.
CAMMY
Ass.
ALAN
Cherry-picking is easy, Cammy.
BYRON
Fighting’s easier. Why not help me out instead?
CAMMY
It’s the triangle, Byron. It’s always the triangle. Byron discovers the magic of the play button. Dredd comes to stylized, hyper-violent life.
BYRON
When does he say he’s the law?
ALAN
Don’t make me hurt you.
CAMMY
Where’s Stallone?
ALAN
You don’t have an excuse. You know better.
CAMMY
I’m actually enjoying this. There’s a lot of creativity afoot for a movie about shooting pushers in the face.
BYRON
Shooting pushers in the face in the future.
CAMMY
It doesn’t do much with the future angle. It’s a dungeon crawl through a giant crackhouse. It’s The Raid with better dialogue and unlimited ammo.
ALAN
Hey! We do not take The Raid’s name in vain.
CAMMY
Hmm. I’m happy that there are things on the planet you actually like, but you don’t have to take it religiously.
ALAN
If you say it three times, Uwo Ikais comes to fight you in your dreams.
BYRON
(Taken aback)
I think I say dumb stuff.
ALAN
(Earnestly)
There’s nothing dumb about it. In time, the Berandal rapture shall come. The non-believers will all be forced to face Uko, son of Tony Jaa in single combat. And they shall all be found wanting.
CAMMY
…You’ve been stealing my pills.
ALAN
I’ve been stealing your pills. It’s been a stressful month. Someone keeps tipping that girl from the mall off about my location. I think we’re considered married by her country’s law.
BYRON
(Enthusiastic)
You found a girlfriend? Sweet!
ALAN
(Dumbounded)
This person is trying to kill me.
BYRON
(Undeterred)
You should try getting her a card. I heard that girls like cards.
CAMMY
I’m ambivalent.
BYRON
I heard normal girls like cards.
CAMMY
(Quietly)
…That was mean for you.
BYRON
Who wants to be normal? I’m normal, and I never get to do or see interesting stuff. At least hanging around you two brings it to me.
ALAN
I think I saw her outside my window. I live on the third floor.
CAMMY
This could be good for you. Maybe you’ll be less maladjusted. Or at least learn something about conflict resolution.
ALAN
I think she has a gun.
CAMMY
Oh, so a modern woman carries a symbol of power and you feel threatened. Typical. Didn’t you learn anything from the trainee judge?
ALAN
I learned that I want to live.
BYRON
You should do something nice for Valentine’s Day.
Alan starts talking, gives up, and turns back to the movie.