The ongoing adventures of the last three twenty-year-olds on Earth paying for movies.
Alan: Plays fast and loose with the rules to get results.
Byron: A straight-laced cop pushed to the limit.
Cammy: Won’t stop until she finds the truth.
INT. DIMLY LIT CHAMBER
Detective Byron limps through the doorway. Every visible inch of his body is covered in small cuts and bruises. He drags a semi-conscious mob enforcer behind him in each hand.
BYRON
(Delerious)
Alan? Are you in here? I don’t think I want to be a detective anymore. I’ve had to hit a lot of people with thick accents and butterfly knives. Is that racist? I’d ask Cammy, but she says everything is.
Jeanette emerges from the darkness. She stands alone and unarmed, with her arms spread in a welcoming gesture.
JEANETTE
Be calm, fellow. This is a house of worship.
BYRON
You kidnapped my friend. I’m trying to think of something angry-sounding, but the blood-loss is making me woozy.
JEANETTE
I used to be angry, like you. Now I’ve seen the light.
BYRON
Is this a cult? Or worse, church? I didn’t fight my way through a building of East European bangers to hear a sermon.
Cammy enters unscathed, recording Byron with her cell phone camera.
CAMMY
Speak up, the microphone on this thing is garbage.
BYRON
I found the boss, and she’s given up. My years in the academy tell me we’ve won.
CAMMY
What academy? You got your badge at a thrift shop. And don’t look into the camera, it’s tacky.
BYRON
Video games, mostly.
Flushing is heard from the next room, followed by the sound of an air dryer. Alan enters from the other side of the room, humming an old spiritual. He takes a seat in an oversized bean bag chair before noticing his friend’s arrival.
ALAN
(Serenely)
Hello, Brother Byron. It looks like those Muay Thai Youtube videos you’ve been into since Ong Bak paid off. I’m sorry for making fun of you. Still, you don’t look too well. You should take a seat.
BYRON
(Flabbergasted)
First of all, why aren’t you concerned about being kidnapped? Secondly, why are you showing concern for my well-being?! What the hell is going on here?
CAMMY
(Amused)
Did they drug you? More importantly, are you holding?
ALAN
You don’t need opiates, Sister Cammy. Not anymore.
CAMMY
(Coldly)
Don’t you EVER say that to me again.
ALAN
When Sister Jeanette kidnapped me, I was as confused and angry as you two. After the men bleeding behind Byron knocked me out in the theater lobby, I woke up in here chained to a radiator. Jeanette told me I’d jilted her, which was news to me.
JEANETTE
The Moravian mob’s penalty for this is a bit like drawing and quartering, but with pick-up trucks. It’s funny when you think about it.
ALAN
Isn’t it? There was one upside: I also got a last wish.
BYRON
A chance to see your friends one last time?
ALAN
No, Brother Byron. A chance to see The Raid 2: Berendal.
BYRON
I understand.
CAMMY
I sure as hell don’t.
ALAN
That’s because you’re an apostate, Sister Cammy.
CAMMY
Alan, last week you described church as “Day care for overgrown children.”
ALAN
Before The Raid 2, I didn’t understand the value of worship. Now I’ve seen the outer limits of action film. I’ve seen more over-the-top violence than any audience member ever asked for. I’ve witnessed “a movie about punching” taken as far as it can go in this reality, and beyond.
JEANETTE
It’s the spiritual awakening my wayward life needed.
BYRON
Eh, that describes the first one too. Does this stack up?
ALAN
Brother Byron-
BYRON
Cut the shit. I’m tired.
ALAN
(Normal tone)
Dude. The Raid 2 is so hardcore it will give you PTSD. I think I still have an erection.
CAMMY
So you admit this series is basically porn.
JEANETTE
Still your tongue, heathen.
ALAN
Porn? No porn is as satisfying as the car chase in this thing. And no sex has left me more thoroughly exhausted. I don’t think I ever need to w1atch another action movie.
CAMMY
Does that mean we can skip Captain America next week? I want to see Nymphomaniac.
ALAN
Screw that. If you want to see Lars Von Trier whack off for three hours, you can rent Dogville again. Along with the other three people that care he’s alive.
JEANETTE
It’s been interesting getting to know you this week, Brother Alan. But-
ALAN
(Half-listening)
Great. Want to get burritos later?
JEANETTE
-during the process, I’ve noticed that you’re a petulant man-child. Not really worth a mob hit or shotgun wedding. I think we should spend some time apart. I need to focus on my faith.
ALAN
…Can I have your Netflix password?
JEANETTE
Men, escort them out.
CAMMY
Most of your men are going to need traction after meeting Byron. I’ve got it all here. I bet it’ll pull great numbers on Worldstar.
BYRON
(Testily)
I can’t believe you saw it without me.
ALAN
I can’t believe you haven’t passed out yet.
Byron’s body takes the cue to go on vacation. Alan and Cammy proceed to argue over who carries him out.