At the Movies – Captain America: The Winter Soldier

winter soldier

(Blind Monkey and Mute Monkey are switching series this month. Happy April Fools Day, or something like it.)

The ongoing adventures of the last three twenty-year-olds on Earth paying for movies.

Alan: The Winter War Criminal

Byron: Captain Middle America

Cammy: Ethnically Ambiguous (as if it’s any business of yours) Widow

Others rotate in and out.

A large and crowded theater empties out. IRENE, bored, sits behind the ticket counter and theorizes how many male virgins there are among the crowd before seeing a folded-up note before her. She rolls her eyes and reads it.

IRENE
“Multiplex compromised. Trust no-one. P.S. Can you introduce me to that girl at the concessions counter?” Goddammit, not this again.

Inside the projector room of the aforementioned theater. BYRON paces about nervously while CAMMY sits down at a desk, bored.

BYRON
What’s his plan, Cammy? He wasn’t even at the movie with us, and he’d been an annoying asshole about it for weeks. The clues have got to be there.

 CAMMY
(Not listening)
You know, I actually liked that movie until I realized just how miserably it failed the Bechdel Test. It loses two letter grades and gets a big red ‘male privilege’ stamp for that.

BYRON
This is serious, dammit!

CAMMY
(Playing with her phone now)
So is the cause of social justice. Every…let’s say ten times I get reblogged is another step on the way to equality.

BYRON
Maybe we can find the answers in one of these reels. I hope Irene got my note. This is going to be a…reel shitshow.

He lights a cigarette, setting off a smoke alarm and the sprinklers.

CAMMY
My fucking permanent! Dammit, you don’t even smoke!

They run off; Byron grabs a few film reels on the way out.

Meanwhile in a dimly-lit room, ALAN circles DOMINIC. The latter has been tied to a chair and beaten.

ALAN
This only ends when you end it.

DOMINIC
I bet this was Cammy’s idea, wasn’t it? “Ask Dominic stupid questions and them beat him half to death?” I’m pretty sure we played that game when we were kids.

ALAN
All that pain and yet you still turned out so weak. And because of that weakness, an entire regime will fall.

DOMINIC
If I’m weak, then why don’t you have your idiot answers to your loser questions yet?

ALAN belts DOMINIC in the jaw with a roll of quarters.

ALAN
It was you, wasn’t it? You had all the motive in the world after I almost – I mean, after we accidentally almost buried you. The only doubt I have is that you could put together a scheme like that on your own.

DOMINIC
Okay, you’ve lost me. Is this supposed to be a police procedural or a spy thriller?

ALAN
I’m gonna make this real simple for you. Who are you working for?

DOMINIC
(Playing dumb)
I’m self-employed. God, you sound just like my mom.

ALAN
(Too furious not to buy it)
How could anyone be so incompetent that they don’t even know who they’re taking orders from?

DOMINIC
There’s, like, no white noise in here. You could have stepped outside if you wanted to avoid looking like an assho-…oh.

ALAN
Wait. That abortion of a…kidnapping attempt? Assassination attempt? That hilarious bit of comedy at the Hobbit premiere a couple years ago. That was your plan, wasn’t it?

DOMINIC
We were trying to steal your tickets. And I have many plans. To which do you refer?

ALAN hits him again.

ALAN
Maybe I can’t make you talk, but I can make Gabe cry. You still hang out with him, right?

DOMINIC
He hangs out with me.

ALAN
Whatever. I can find him, at least. Assuming he’s not off pretending to be an elf in the woods at the moment.

DOMINIC
Next weekend.

Meanwhile, BYRON speeds down the highway in his car while CAMMY leans her seat back far enough for it to be obnoxious to the annoyed HUGO, who sits behind her.

HUGO
I’m still in the dark about why you dragged me away from a perfectly nice evening alone. Do you know how hard it actually is to avoid all human contact for a 24-hour period? God, this fucking generation. And people wonder why I choose not to have many friends.

CAMMY
“Choose.”

BYRON
Alan’s on the warpath. He thinks…something. I don’t know. Dominic is involved. Which means you are too. So I guess you’re in danger or whatever.

CAMMY
Good going, Woodward.

BYRON
No one appreciated his work until he was done with it, Cammy.

HUGO
I guess my real question here is why you took it upon yourselves to, ah, “rescue” me.

BYRON
Were you not listening just now?

HUGO
Rephrase: both of you are complete shitlords and my well-being has meant nothing to you in the past. Why should it now?

BRYON
This time, it’s different.

HUGO
How?

CAMMY
It’s a Friday, we were bored, and Alan’s psychotic games tend to at least have an amusingly pathetic final act if nothing else. Now be quiet and enjoy the ride; we’re going to Gabe’s dorm.

HUGO
…I gotta say, I’m pretty turned on right now.

CAMMY
What, did that adult video store we just passed remind you of your waifu?

HUGO
You shut the fuck up about Satsuki-sama.

On the roof of GABE’s dorm, ALAN paces about nervously while DOMINIC and GABE sit, both tied to either side of an air conditioning unit.

GABE
What are we gonna do, Dom?

DOMINIC
There’s no “we” in this anymore, Gabe. This is every man for himself now.

ALAN
Both of you shut up. The guests will be arriving soon.

GABE
I’ll give you anything you want if you let me go.

DOMINIC
Gabe, be quiet and let me do the talking.

GABE
But I thought  you said it was every man for-

DOMINIC
I know what I said, dammit. I didn’t think you’d actually stand up for yourself. Alan, Gabe has a huge replica collection he’d be willing to give you to secure my safe release.

ALAN
This goes deeper than either of you could ever possibly imagine and you’re trying to sell me toys.

DOMINIC
You seem like the type of guy who would enjoy a replica of Captain America’s shie-

ALAN lays into DOMINIC’s face with all his strength for about thirty seconds.

ALAN
Don’t say that name. Ever.

CAMMY
(From offscreen)
I’m not sure I want to pull this thread, but why the hell not?

She, BYRON and HUGO have arrived on the roof.

ALAN
Ah. You’ve found me. Good. We can begin.

HUGO
Can we maybe end instead?

DOMINIC
I’m sorry you had to stand your body pillow up to come rescue me, Hugo.

HUGO
Blow me, Dom; I’m in charge of the Dark Trio now, as it was always meant to be.

BYRON
The ‘Dark Trio?’ This is the most depressing conversation I’ve ever been a part of, and Gabe hasn’t even said anything yet.

ALAN
(Loudly)
Ah. You’ve found me. Good. We can begin.

CAMMY
So, to what do we owe this latest psychotic episode?

ALAN
Thank you. As I’m sure most of you know, I have been riding the hype train for this latest Captain America movie for the last three years.

HUGO
Why? It’s a bunch of least common denominator Hollywood bullshit with absolutely no respect for the source material.

BYRON
(Incredulous)
I didn’t think shitposting could occur in real life.

DOMINIC
Right?

ALAN
Shut. Up. So as I was saying, I’ve been more excited for this than Cammy was for the liposuction her parents got her as a graduation present.

DOMINIC
I can attest to this statement’s veracity.

CAMMY
This will stop being fun for everyone when it stops being fun for me. Tread lightly.

ALAN
Let me arrive at the point. Earlier today, I received an encrypted email. Its contained a list of every twist, every revelation, every single spoilable detail about Captain America down to the events of both post-credit scenes. This wasn’t just one of you dicks trying to ruin my day.  This was a coordinated effort. There was a plan here.

BYRON
That…that has to be the most nonsensical conclusion you or anyone else has ever come to.

ALAN
I have proof, dammit. If this thing had a sketchy subject line or whatever it would have been out with the rest of the spam in less time than Dominic and Elena’s, ah, relationship.

DOMINIC
Our relationship is ongoing. It’s…evolving.

GABE
(Innocently)
But I thought she said something like “I’m done with you forever; your presence fills me with the feeling like I’ve become an accomplice to some weird sex crime.”

CAMMY
Please, please tell me you aren’t paraphrasing.

GABE
No, I was there with them at the ice cream place when-

DOMINIC
No one likes your webcomic, Gabe. The jokes are all just outdated references to shit nobody ever actually cared about.

GABE makes an attempt to contain the incoming sobs. He looks to the rest of the group.

GABE
Is…is this true?

ALAN
Probably. The point I’m trying to make is that the email’s address and subject line were both decoys. It was from an address only I’m familiar with and had a subject only I would be interested in.

CAMMY
We’re not about to hear what kind of porn you like, are we?

ALAN
I don’t watch porn because I don’t need porn. The point is that I’m being spied on and one of you knows why.

Silence but for Gabe’s muffled blubbering.

BYRON
So you threatened to bomb the theater because…

ALAN
Because I can’t get you people to do anything without turning it into a whole…thing.

CAMMY
I am more than ninety percent sure that it’s because you can’t do anything without turning it into “a whole thing.”

HUGO
This is bullshit. I hate you people. I’m pretty sure I had pizza on the way before you dragged me out here. Who’s gonna take responsibility for that, huh? God, this whole generation is the most disingenuous, entitled-

ALAN
(Talking over his rant)
For some reason, one of you helped spoil Captain America, and I’m going to figure out who it was and why.

DOMINIC
How are any of us at all involved in this?

ALAN
Because nothing ever happens to any of us outside the context of the, like, ten people our interactions tend to restrict themselves to.

BYRON
(Horrified)
Oh my god you’re right.

ALAN
Right? So if the conspirator in question could just come forward about their involvement, I promise not to murder you very much.

ALL EXCEPT ALAN
No.

ALAN
But-but I’m angry and I need closure!

CAMMY
If you promise to let this go, I’ll smoke you up with some of my good shit and listen quietly as you explain to me the emotional complexity of B13 like I know you’ve been wanting to do.

ALAN
Not good enough. We stop going to shitty movies ironically, or I start pushing people off the roof.

CAMMY strokes her chin nervously.

BYRON
It’s a good deal. Even if he’s bluffing, I’m getting cold.

CAMMY
One ironic viewing a month.

ALAN
Bi-monthly.

CAMMY
Fine, deal. Pleb.

ALAN
Hugo, we’re leaving and you’re not coming with us. Feel free to untie Dominic and Gabe if the desire possesses you. I honestly couldn’t care less if I tried.

HUGO turns his eyes to DOMINIC and GABE, grinning evilly. DOMINIC looks back at him, and then to ALAN, with a pleading gaze. ALAN flips him off.

HUGO
(Sinisterly)
I’ll untie them. In my good time.

ALAN
Whatever.

ALAN, BYRON and CAMMY all leave as HUGO takes a seat atop the air conditioning unit DOMINIC and GABE are both tied to.

From a nearby rooftop, three mysterious figures watch the scene that’s just taken place.

XING
That was entertaining. Asshole theater is even more fun than the actual movies. I can’t help but think like we could have jerked them around a little more, though.

YVETTE
Remember we have a job to do. We need to keep our involvement to a minimum lest they catch on as Alan almost did.

XING
I know that, Yvette. Do you talk like that because it makes you feel smarter?

YVETTE
A good question, Xing. Might I answer it with another: do you talk like that because it makes you feel dumber?

XING
What’s that even supposed to mean? If you take that whole comeback apart, it makes no sense.

YVETTE
Infuriating, is it not? That is what trying to make sense of your ass-backwards plan felt like. There had to be a better way to get-

ZANE
(Stern but calm)
Please, you two. We have such fun ahead of us. Why spoil it with petty bickering?

XING
Fun…you mean the twins?

ZANE holds up a copy each of Foodfight! and The Nut Job. He smiles.

ZANE
They will meet the twins.

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