On May 19, comedy died. Two passing vagrants found the emaciated corpse of comedy in a ditch in North Las Vegas. The body had a single self-inflicted gunshot wound to […]
Nothing Happened
This piece of mine ran in Tiger Magazine‘s Daily Princetonian parody. In spite of the pressure of a daily news cycle, absolutely nothing worth commenting upon occurred in Princeton University […]
Deaf Monkey Mission Statement 2013
I don’t really know where my head will be at writingwise for the next however long (a year I’m guessing?), so I’m just going to throw out a few general […]
Mute Monkey Mission Statement 2013
About two weeks ago, I was on the verge of calling it quits and devoting my life to the sole pursuit of ruining everyone else’s. Either that, or killing myself […]
Blind Monkey Mission Statement 2013
What’s contemporary culture’s most vapid catchphrase? It’s a competitive position with entries from every medium. Television’s a classic source. Almost every sitcom qualifies by giving its most annoying character something […]
The Princeton Admission Letter
You’re going to Princeton. You’ll spend a few weeks pretending to juggle your nonexistent options, but everything has already been set in motion. Thanks to our media stranglehold, your parents […]
Where On Earth I’ve Been
I’ve been preparing for this live breaking show, down in Princeton. Watch it if you’re in the area. Or out of the area.
At the Movies: Triple Feature
The ongoing adventures of the last three twenty year olds that pay for movies. They are: Alan: Resident malcontent. Byron: One inch taller than six feet, one can short of […]
Everyone is Wrong
Hoo boy. Since I like being in way over my head, today I’m going to tackle (more like bump into its burly shins and get knocked out) the idea of […]
The Life and Times of a CIA Assassin
INT DIMLY LIT ROOM A HOODED MAN is tied to a chair. OPERATIVE A holds a gun to his temple, while OPERATIVE B paces behind him. OPERATIVE A End of […]